Try if You Dare

WARNING: The following contains material that is hazardous to your health.  

There are days when I am home alone with a few {to all} of my babes.  And on these days the pantry is empty, the fridge is bare and I just have not found a way to make mac ‘n cheese from lasagna noodles and American cheese slices {anyone got that recipe?}.

So, I have a choice to make… starve or venture out with kids in tow.  I would actually be fine with starving, but my kids insist that I feed them regularly.  So, reluctantly, I talk myself into heading out to the grocery store with my crew.

First, I have to spend about 65 minutes psyching myself up.  This involves standing in front of my bathroom mirror repeating the following mantra:

You got this.  It will be fine.  They will listen.  They can help put groceries in the cart.  It might take longer, but you will survive this.”

I don’t ever really believe these affirmations, but I {foolishly} choose too.

Next, I explain to {bribe} my kids the importance of staying by mom, holding hands in the parking lot and listening at the store.  They all {emphatically} agree they will do all said things.  {Foreshadowing: my kids are little liar-liars}.

Once we arrive at the store, I tell them to stand by the car until I get everyone out.  They usually do.

And then they are done listening.

I spend the next few minutes {eternity} wrangling kids in the parking lot and dodging cars. We are finally in the store and everyone wants a cart.  And everyone wants to fill their cart.  So, my $XXX grocery budget is now $XXXX {whoops}.  I usually let it go because it is much easier to be homeless than to listen to them scream while I am trying to remember why on earth I thought starving wasn’t a viable option.

The check out lane is the worst part of the entire experience.  My kids usually see this as an opportunity to sneak {steal} a bunch of candy.  I spend this time cursing the CEO who decided to prey on innocent mothers with their placement of “impulse purchase” goodies.  I beg {threaten} them that they hang in there while we get through this last bit of grocery shopping.  We check out with a gazillion snacks {which will be consumed in 48 hours} and a few meals since I couldn’t remember what was on that grocery list on my counter.  Mid week we will be back where we started.

Moral of the story: starving is easier.

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hashtag firstworldproblems.

2 thoughts on “Try if You Dare”

  1. Man, I agree with the part about bringing the kids along. I hated that when they were small. Now I have teenagers and it is worse! They want to buy everything. On the plus side, my son drives so I can send him back to the grocery store if I forget something. Great post!! I like your humor!

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