Alright. I concede. I am trying to do too much.
I knew I was trying to do too much but the draw to try and build something on social media is too seductive to ignore. It seems like we’re all just one viral post away from becoming the next “it” author and I’m stubborn and competitive and persistent.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed but there’s a lot of us writing in the online space. Like a lot a lot. So many “, in fact, that if you think about it too much you might think yourself out of even writing. Yes, obtaining financial freedom from something I’ve written is the ultimate dream. So much so that I’ve gotten side tracked into thinking that it is the only way for my words to make a difference in this world.
I’ve spent a lot of time taking courses and listening to the self professed experts on how to grow an online presence and I dare say I’ve tried all the techniques including the consistent advice to post consistently.
May was Mental Health Awareness Month and I had this idea or maybe urge to post a mental health related post every day in May. I am hell bent on awareness and compassion and understanding and it felt like something I could do to assist with all three.
You know what happens when I shared a post every day for 31 days in a row?
Drum roooolllllllll: I lost a handful of followers. Ten years ago that would have devastated me. But 42 year old me chuckled when I noticed the change in numbers and came to my own conclusion that consistency may work for some but it isn’t my secret sauce.
Now if you’re on of those infamous influencers you might say well you gotta keep posting every day for a year. Or maybe five years. Or maybe ten years. Or maybe if I would have posted daily since I launched this blog in 2016 then I’d be somewhere over the rainbow right now.
Have you ever seen the movie My Best Friend’s Wedding? There’s a scene at the end (oh spoiler alert on a 30 year old movie because the internet likes to rage against the writer) where main character Jules is in love with her best friend Michael who up until recently was in love with her but she wasn’t feeling it until he became engaged to Kimmy. In an attempt to win him over she kisses him and fiancée Kimmy sees the interaction and Michael leaves Jules in the dust and starts running after Kimmy.
His voice is loud and the close ups are on his and hers faces and it really seems like a larger than life chase as Michael tries to catch up to Kimmy.
It is followed seconds later by a zoomed out shot of Jules running with seemingly short little legs and a little voice yelling out short quick ‘Michaels’ trying to get his attention but alas she is unsuccessful because he is focused on getting to Kimmy.
Cut to the next-ish scene where Jules is recounting the chase to her best friend,George, and he says to her : “You’re chasing Michael. Michael’s chasing Kimmy. Who’s chasing you? No one. Get it? There’s your answer.”
In case it wasn’t clear, I’m Jules in this scenario the internet is Michael and all the successful online ‘it’ folks are Kimmy.
If I’m being honest for a while I was embarrassed about it and I think there’s something to be said for the reckoning where you realize you’re not going to hit the conventional big time and you have to ask yourself if it’s worth the cost of sharing deeply personal testimonies in seemingly feeble self propelled belief that it matters.
Moreover, your circle will more often than not wonder why you keep doing the thing that seems to be taking more than it gives and that is a valid question that does require a soul searching internal conversation.
The conclusion I have come to is that I am going to redefine what success means to me. I’m not going viral on any one site but I am rippling out words that make an impact and I know that to be true because I am lucky enough to be on the receiving end of readers letting me know how something I wrote helped them.
And that’s enough.
Actually it’s more than enough- it’s freaking every.thing.
Writing – for me- is therapy and clarity and joy and I’m going to do it whether one person reads or no person reads. Because even if all I get out of it is therapy and clarity and joy well then I’m successful because I’m rippling that out to anyone I come in contact with and we all have the power to do more things that fuel us so we can pour into others and let that ripple across waves.
I always believed that to be true but it was overshadowed by the pull to be something more.
So, instead of sharing content across multiple platforms (because that takes time and energy and it’s a mind game that makes my brain stutter) I am purposefully reducing my reach and I am just going to post on one site.
Nope not this one.
I’m going to work simple and not cluttered and I am going to keep it on Substack for a while.
It’s a platform where I like scrolling and I like reading what people are writing. There are very few videos and it seems like it’s about the craft over content and it has a way making me think and feel and I just dig that vibe.
I’m also going to resist the intense urge to share a link to my posts on other sites for that hit of dopamine that reach brings.
Right now I am defining success as the ability to focus my time and attention on words, connection and community over follower counts, algorithm boosts and visibility in all the places.
I’m going to rebel against the idea that if I’m going to do this then what I really want (or should really want) is to be a lucrative influencer because what I really want is to be a word filled lighthouse.
I want to be a space that people happen upon in the darkness. One that offers hope and humor and encouragement and insight and asks all the questions of all the nuances and tries to reckon with the dialectical nature of being human.
If you need me, I’ll be over on Substack writing from the heart, sharing from the trenches and keeping a light on the shore for you, for me, for all of us.
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