Midi-Mark

Okay, some weeks I have everything written and scheduled and posted in a timely fashion and some weeks are like this week.

I’m completely flustered and scattered and finally getting my 6 am Milo Monday post up 13 hours later and if I’m being honest I probably won’t get to a Tuesday post tomorrow so this will count as a two-fer in my head.

Anyway.

Today I crossed over the proverbial hump of the halfway point for the 30 day yoga journey with Adriene and wow that’s a mouthful but let me paint you a picture.

I like to be in the yoga spirit and yoga mindset when I practice yoga.

Can I say “yoga” more.

Anyway. For me that looks like locking my bedroom door because with five kids one of them will most definitely barge in mid child’s pose and sit on my back and play horsey. Also, I’m either dimming the lights or letting in the sunshine depending on my mood and my diffuser with lavender, peppermint and citrus undertones is a must. Then I do my best to zone out for the next 20 to 30 minutes and practice all the mindfulness and meditation my aura can muster so that I can soak in all the deliciousness yoga has to offer.

But today. Today didn’t quite go that way.

I had my mat sprawled out in the middle of a random hallway.

I had Adriene pulled up via cell phone and delicately balanced said cell phone against the hallway wall because my kids had all the televisions occupied and I wanted them to occupy the televisions so that I could do yoga.

Rock. Hard place. Insert me.

(And also, I now present to you the most perfect GIF ever).

Now I don’t know what you know about the relationship of yoga on your phone and the volume of television that kids are watching because they can’t hear over themselves but it wasn’t the best sound quality I have ever had.

To top it off, my husband is quarantined to our bedroom with COVID-19 because yes, it finally found a way to infiltrate our household. He’s only secluded to one master bedroom suite but it feels like we lost 67% of our household space.

I’m feeling extremely claustrophobic in the area of my house I’m currently allowed to reside.

Adding insult to injury, there was no nearby plug in for my diffuser and even if there was my kids would complain about the amazingly controversial lavender scent being dispelled and who complains about lavender anyway?

Talk about finding your calm in the chaos. Today’s practice, number 16, was appropriately titled Anchor and Adriene offered a mantra: my breath is my anchor, my anchor is my breath.

Holy shit was I doing some heavy deep breathing while desperately searching for an anchor.

I also found myself reflecting on the yoga journey thus far and since I’m a blogger I am sharing those thoughts and reflections here, with you.

Shocking, right? .

I really didn’t have/ don’t have/ hadn’t had any expectations for what a 30 day yoga journey would bring me. I just wanted to see what it would do and here’s what I’ve noticed.

Also, side bar: here’s what I’ve noticed without judgement because observation is an art form I have been practicing for a long time thanks to counseling and yoga.

Ok, back to what I’ve noticed.

After completing 15 practices in a row, it is much easier to show up to practice yoga on day 16 from a physical standpoint. Overall, I am noticing myself sitting up straighter and my neck muscles pinching less. My abdomen seems less bloated and my leg-chair-squats feel stronger.

But mentally I am struggling to show up and I can feel it in my balance. Meaning I don’t have any balance and my center is off kilter and I have done enough yoga (egad) and I can’t help but think that it is because my brain is on the struggle bus.

I think I thought 30 days in a row of my favorite thing ever would be a piece of cake and that I’d find so much joy and peace it would be pouring my insides out.

Instead I’m finding that I’m telling Adriene to shut the fuck up while she’s having me slowly roll up to mountain pose from a forward fold because I’m just ready to move on to the next thing and want to move on to whatever that thing is quickly. I’m struggling to be present on the mat, but also, I’m finding it easier to be present off the mat.

It’s all very weird.

And interesting to me because I primarily yoga for my mental health and not for my physical health although the physical benefits that yoga sows are definitely a plus.

And here I am feeling better physically but am struggling mentally.

And not with anxiety or depression, per say, but with discipline and the desire to maintain consistency.

Finding the time, no making the time, each and every day for yoga has been maddening while feeling wholly empowering. I am somewhere between ready to throw in the towel and also I recognize that I’m climbing a big ol’ theoretical mental hill here.

I am doing something I’ve never done and that thing is consistently practicing.

I am showing up for myself on the daily and I still want to see what happens as I continue to do so. If it’s this hard now, I just know it’s gonna be good on the other side. Because all the best things in life are hard at first, aren’t they?

I’m tired of giving up just when the getting gets maybe good but definitely hard.

So here we are at a crossroads with consistency and I have to keep showing up for another 14 days. Because I have to see what continues to happen when I do.

I’m still curious and there are at least two schools of thought when it comes to curiosity:

1. it killed the cat.

2. it fuels discovery.

I’m banking on the latter.

And it’s Monday soooo…