I don’t have too much to share today because, well, I’m in the throws of COVID recovery.
If I haven’t mentioned it before- fucking COVID.
Anyway, today is much better than yesterday but when I start feeling better I tend to be an over-doer and I definitely over did it.
My bed space is calling me and I’m still a few hours away from being able to answer said call.
Needless to say, (or maybe I need to say it): I missed two days of yoga. I felt my corona-infested body calling me to rest and wouldn’t you know, I listened.
You would think that kind of mindfulness and self awareness would make one happy.
Well, you would think wrong.
If I’m being honest, I’m feeling disappointed in myself for not pushing through it and doing it anyway. But alas, I’m not a superhero or even super human so I rested over yoga. I do think that in the process I have found myself in the throws of some powerful lessons, nay, questions.
Oh, wait. It’s Thursday so the word I’m looking for is thoughts.
For starters there are some quotes that are on replay in my head. Like this one: “Life is what happens when you are making other plans.”
And another one that’s nagging in my mind: “Roll with the punches.”
I’m not very good with accepting the first one and definitely have no idea how to navigate the latter. Sure I’d like to believe I’m causal and laid back and not your pretty typical type A personality but my inability to adjust to life’s curve balls without maaaaajor thought processing gives me away.
Veering off course makes me feel like I lost and damn I hate losing. But more than that it has me all trying to be honest with myself which is the hardest kind of honest to maintain and I can’t help but to keep wondering:
Did my body really need rest because I felt sick or did I just want rest?
If I’m being honest, I think it was a little bit of both. I felt kinda shitty for a couple days but my COVID tests were negative so I pushed through and kept going.
And when I finally realized that no, I wasn’t in fact drinking the world’s crappiest coffee but rather put the pieces together that on top of my sore throat and headache that I could no longer taste and that I might actually be sick and I finally tested positive, I was relieved. I thought, “finally I can give in.”
I can rest.
Which makes me wonder: why do I need a virus to give me permission to rest?
Why I gotta be so dramatic?
Why do we do that to ourselves?
Why do we only slow down when the world forces us to in one way or another?
Why do we push ourselves when our bodies are saying they can’t take anymore?
How do we know when need to adjust our goals to accommodate life’s curve balls; AKA accommodate life.
Let’s just say that I have been working on mindfulness and self awareness pretty hard core for the past three-ish years. As such, I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I have been feeling myself getting to a breaking point (I mean who isn’t getting to one given the state of the world since March 2020). But, I have ignored it and kept pushing myself.
Aren’t we all going when we’d rather be resting? Don’t we all need to regroup and reset? And aren’t we all overrrrrr it. Don’t we all need a mental reprieve along with a big ol’ restful getaway?
I mean, right?
So why should I stop to catch my breath when no one else is able to follow suit?
Resting, right now…it feels…selfish.
But as I’m thinking about it, isn’t the “selfless” alternative actually more selfish?
The thing I’m learning about being “selfless” is that you end up losing yourself.
There has to be something between the complete giving of ourselves and the complete taking from others.
And that’s the balance I’m trying to find.
So while I’m laid up with the Rona, I have been sleeping when I should have been cleaning, been silent when I should have been returning messages, and resting when I should have been working .
And today it looked like getting back on the mat. Yes. I missed two days. I’d like to believe that had it not have been for, well, life, then I would’ve made my solid-30-days-in-a-row-yoga goal.
But I didn’t and what better time to roll with the punches than at a time where life happened while I made other plans.
So I’m picking back up where I left off and giving myself grace in the process.
I think that maybe that is where we can find the balance between selfishness and selflessness…
…in the grace we give ourselves.
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