I get skiddish when I meet new people and then we become Facebook friends -mostly because I go and friend ‘em on Facebook. I suppose that makes me a bit of a massichist but let’s put a pin in that for now.
I also find myself uncomfortable when my co-existing online and real life friends react to one of my posts. My thoughts become consumed by the realization that they now know.
They know my brain lacks serotonin and that I battle thoughts of self harm and suicide.
This seems as good a place as any to say that over time- with multiple therapy sessions and just as many medication adjustments- the battle has become a little easier. I can recognize when my depression flares up and I have the experience to know that it is only temporary even though it feels like an eternity.
Anyway.
I wonder if these fellow Facebook-ers will still let their kids play with my kids and if they’ll tread real light in their interactions with me or write me off completely.
And it makes me realize how strong the stigma around mental illness truly is. So much of “it’s all in your head” still remains until inner battles are showcased outwardly in the form of addiction, eating disorders, or suicide.
And then we ask why help wasn’t sought sooner. Didn’t they know they had an army behind them to walk them through their struggles?
Spoiler alert: they didn’t.
And then I realize that’s why I write and that’s why I share and perhaps even over share. I am not to blame for my mental illness (thank you trauma and genetics) but I am responsible for my healing and for yeeeeaaaars I didn’t want that to be true; it is hard – and quite frankly unfair- to have to accept responsibility for something I didn’t cause. But I’ll be damned if I didn’t find healing when I accepted both things to be true.
So what I want to tell you is that mental illness isn’t your fault AND you can take control of your healing.
Healing isn’t linear and it’ll probably break your heart while it simultaneously strips you of your defenses but if you can believe the night is darkest before the dawn, I promise you will find your light.
Keep going friends; if I have learned anything it is that you will be glad you did. 💚
If you like what you read, I wrote a book.
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