Keep Looking, Warriors

Reconciling with my changed body is a work in progress and I have worked hard to be kind and accepting to my mid-thirty figure. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

But what is it about a camera lens that takes hard fought for inner peace and turns it into unwavering doubt. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

My daughter snapped this shot while I was immersed in yoga and trying to get my mental health on straight. When she showed it to me I nearly gagged. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

I couldn’t help but wonder: what happened to my body?⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

I spent an embarrassing amount of time zooming in and out, analyzing my midsection from multiple angles all while working to convince myself that it did not resemble a busted can of biscuits.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

I kept looking. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

And looking. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Then I realized what had happened.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

This body survived trauma.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

This body overcame an eating disorder.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

This body carried and birthed five beautiful babies.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

This body kept going when mental illness told it to stop.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

That’s what happened.

Maybe to some (including myself from time to time) I look like I’ve let myself go by putting on some weight.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

And I guess I have let myself go. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

But in truth I’m lighter. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

I have let go of the weight of overwhelming shame, constant fear, and all-consuming doubt. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

It’s not the same body it was 40 pounds ago and neither am I.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

So if you are like me and cringe at your reflection, look again. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

And again. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Spend an embarrassing amount of time looking.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Until you see it.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

That your body is beautiful exactly how it is because it tells the story of all your yesterdays and that, warrior, is a story worth telling. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

But more than that, it is a story worth living.

*Originally posted on Rebel Housewife*