It’s all too much. And by “all” I mean the pandemic.
For the zillionth time, I am in health care. I have gone into work for three days of 2022 and it is fucking madness. COVID-19 is out of control. I mean that very sincerely. If you are one of the lucky ones that has been able to live a life unaffected by this virus, I hope you enjoyed it because we are entering a stage where everyone is going to be affected.
Maybe that sounds harsh and slightly ignorant but I’m too tired for political correctness.
And being in the epicenter (and having been in it for nearly two years) of what is raging on with this virus is fucking exhausting. Man, exhausting just doesn’t even cut it as a descriptive word and it hasn’t for some time. But like now, it really doesn’t.
Even if I laid out scenario by scenario of what health care workers are dealing with, the general public doesn’t care. They think that they are going to get sick and subsequently cared for because that’s what health care has always done for them. And the truth is they are going to get sick and we are not going to have the capacity to care for them. And people are going to die.
And that feels devastating. And if I’m being honest (which I’m nothing if not honest) it has made me ask:
I guess there are worse things than death? Like being asked to vaccinate and mask and protect each other?
I guess there really is something to the idea of population control? Maybe we’ve gotten too big and natural selection has to step in?
Is this what it means to be free? Because that’s what I have gathered from all the social media bullshit.
The most frustrating and infuriating part of my job is that I know who people vote(d) for based on their vaccine stance and that’s because after they tell me their thoughts on said vaccine, they proceed to talk about their political leanings. And it shouldn’t be that way. Because guess what. COVID doesn’t fucking care if you vote red or blue. It doesn’t fucking care if you think vaccines are microchipped or whatever the fuck people think (and no, I’m not asking). It doesn’t care if you have underlying medical conditions or if you are healthy as a horse.
It doesn’t fucking care.
So why am I going on this tangent? Because I’m so tired. Nay, burnt out. And I dare say I’m not the only health care worker who’s once bright flame is rapidly dwindling.
To be honest I was going to put a disclaimer at the top of this post that said something to the effect of this post is talking about COVID-19 and if you don’t have the mental space to deal with this right now, then you might want to skip this one.
But, then I got angry because I thought “I don’t have the mental space to deal with this, but I have to.”
And now I feel petty because I am acting in anger and I’m putting that ju-ju out into the universe. I’ve been told over and over that you are supposed to share your story from the strength of your scars rather than the blood of your wounds.
I have always tried to write from that perspective because truthfully, it is more inspiring and I don’t want to bring people into my world of pain.
Sorry that I can’t do that now. I’m bleeding all over these words and I don’t feel like inserting any funny GIF’s to lighten the mood. And if it makes you feel a certain way, I want to encourage you that feelings do pass and that I actually have a point.
I will insert case and point now.
I came home from work yesterday and my brain hurt. And to be quite honest, so did my heart. The level of mental and physical fatigue…
…there just are no words.
And the icing on the cake is that I still have responsibilities outside of work. Because my bills and all those bill collectors don’t care that I’m exhausted.
And no one cares that I gave everything I had in my 9 to 5.
The world won’t stop spinning just because I need it to slow down.
So I Iaid down. Which was followed by an intense guilt for resting when I could be productive.
When I could be giving more of myself (like energy to my kids) than I had. But then I remembered: rest is productive.
So we all laid down and snuggled under blankets. I let the YouTube rage on while I closed my eyes and recuperated.
I think I am writing this for all of us thrust in the middle of a war we didn’t ask to fight.
Rest. Rest every chance you get.
Be mindful. Practice recognizing the impact of what this is doing to your body and mind and respond in a way that is true for you.
I mean, I don’t think any amount of rest or mindfulness will replace the amount of energy that we are dispensing to the world, but it can’t hurt.
And also, you matter.
Keep going. I think we can do this again, but only if we remember that we are worth the rest.
In the words of my yoga-Windex (inside joke that you can catch up on here):
Namaste, health care workers. Namaste.